I'm taking a number of herbs for depression, energy and anxiety. But I won't go into those right now. I going to try taking Rhodiola rosea extract for a few days to see if it affects my mood and energy.
[Rhodiola appears to have noticeable effect! See Update I on Rhodiola Rosea and Depression]
I am going through a difficult time right now in my recovery. I am in a new living space, I'm able to cook, and overall the environment is much better than it was before. Nonetheless, my relationship with B is not doing so well. I know I have to find positive strategies to deal with this frustration. Until now, my go-to stress relief has been smoking. This is pretty much the worst thing I could be doing since it steals my energy and brings my mood down. I also tend to procrastinate horribly when smoking. I'd rather smoke than take positive action.
I won't say I've been perfect in terms of quitting smoking*, but I have made some changes:
- I'm making nutritious food and making sure to eat enough
- I'm going to the library in the afternoon and reading/taking notes
- I've polished a basic version of my resume and I am ready to send it out to some jobs that I think I am more than qualified for
- I'm trying to remember the importance of meditation and calming in the overall picture of regulating my mind and energy
- I'm trying to invest in my own future outside of the relationship; what I mean is that I am trying to not let my relationship problems make me feel like my future is hopeless. It is not.
We'll see how it goes.
Addendum: I felt frustrated last night when B came home. She had an extremely long day, and her habit is to pretty much ignore me and act pretty ungracious. Earlier in the day, I'd made a large quantity of Indian food (dahl, potatoes) so we'd have some good food to eat. When she came home, I asked B is she was hungry. She said she didn't want to eat. Without any further conversation she changed clothes and went straight to bed. After half an hour, I wrapped up what I was doing and got ready for bed. After about ten minutes she got up and said she was hungry. I was going to warm up the food, but she didn't show any signs of getting up, like she wanted me to bring the food to her in bed. I wasn't in the mood to do that, and plus I don't think we want to eat food in the bedroom and have it smell like oil and curry. She finally got up and I heard her heating up some food. I thought I'd go out and hang out with her while she ate. I heard the TV come on and knew that she didn't want to interact with me at all. I peeked out and saw a bowl of lentils sitting untouched on the dining room table. She was eating a bowl of rice and some preserved mushrooms we received from her relatives.
This morning was more of the same. Today (Saturday) was unusual in that B needed to go to work for the morning. Before we got up, I asked B if she wanted to eat breakfast. She said yes, but rolled over in bed. I got up and made scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. When it was ready, I told her it was time to eat. I hate it when I make food for her and she waits a long time to sit down to eat - when the food is already cold. After a few minutes she came over to me and said in her fake-cheerful voice, "Thank you, Billy!". I was feeling a bit pissed off because she hadn't said anything else to me otherwise. No 'good morning', nothing about her previous day. Nothing. I also asked her, "Did you even try the beans last night or did you just throw them away?" She said she tried them and put them back in with the rest of the leftovers. I wasn't really feeling too cheerful by this point and she finally noticed after eating a few bites of egg and toast. She asked me why I was upset, but I didn't say anything. "Try the cinnamon-sugar--it's good," was all I could say. She got up, took out a Ziploc bag and put the rest of her breakfast inside to take to work. Now she was going to punish me for being upset, and rightly so in my opinion, by not talking to me. As she locked the gate to leave for work I asked her what time she'd be coming back. That's something I'd like to know, especially since she expected me to make her lunch or dinner. "After lunch," she said with some contempt and just left.
I finished off that smoke and had one more. I walked back to the apartment wondering what I was going to do. I don't want to go back to sitting around the apartment not doing anything. I will still go to the library this afternoon. I do feel very depressed, however, not only because I broke my self-imposed smoking ban, but because I felt weak, ineffectual, hopeless, and above all else, sad. Sad about my condition, sad about my relationship, and sad that there seems to be very little joy these days no matter what I do or how hard I try to maintain a positive attitude.
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