Depression and Addiction: Negative and Positive Spirals

In my experience with depression and addictive behaviors, I am either caught in a negative or positive spiral. It takes discipline to maintain a positive spiral. It is all too easy to get knocked out of a positive spiral and to end up in a negative spiral. A negative spiral is chaotic, passive, and builds momentum much quicker than a positive spiral.

Let me try to describe some of the behaviors and thought patterns associated with each type of spiral:


Negative Spiral

•  I stay up too late surfing the web or reading. This is not a productive form of reading. My mind is usually unsettled and  I end up flipping back and forth from topic to topic or just skimming the words on the page. Even if I've taken my meds on time, I pass the point where I could have easily fallen asleep and push on towards a very agitated, unsatisfied state.
• As a result, I wake up late feeling very tired. I make breakfast, but I still feel fatigued after eating. Due to state of my nervous system during the night, my metabolism is already screwed up.
• I drink a strong cup of coffee or tea in order to "jump start" the day. This usually backfires due to the aforementioned unbalanced state of my metabolism/homeostasis. I end up feeling burned out but unable to rest even if I try.
• I'll tend to eat starchy or sweet foods that are easily prepared e.g. toast with jam, cookies, candy, juice and other sweet drinks. I can't concentrate enough to plan out and prepare a wholesome meal.
• I feel too tired to exercise. I feel to jittery to nap. I'm stuck in this horrible in-between zone where I'm not getting anything productive done. I can't even concentrate enough to watch a quality TV program or movie. I can't read more than a page or two of a book without feeling bored.
• I don't wash up promptly in the morning. I feel dirty all day.
• I smoke compulsively without even enjoying it. I feel guilty as a result.
• There is no rhythm to the day. A positive rhythm would be: eat, rest, work, rest, exercise, rest, read, rest, etc. Momentum is allowed to accumulate, like pumping a playground swing higher and higher. You swing your legs forward, using the resulting momentum to swing back in a relaxed state. You ride the momentum forward and pump a little higher. This is a great analogy for the oscillation between work and rest that powers the positive spiral.

Positive Spiral

• Again, it all starts the night before. I take my meds at the correct time and give myself plenty of time to settle down in bed. I don't read or surf the web within a half hour of my prescribed bedtime.
• I wake up early enough and prepare a good breakfast that includes protein and complex carbs.
• I wash up promptly and take care of my personal hygiene.
• Within an hour or so of eating I have a light workout. 
• I shower up, have a relaxing shave, put on some clean clothes.
• I get online and spend quality time at news sites, forums, or other pages of interest. I don't get sidetracked and start opening up tab after tab after tab...
• I think about what I want for lunch and go to the market to get necessary ingredients. Even better, I thought about this the day before.
• I take a little siesta after lunch.
• I do some quality reading/studying and/or go to the library. These days, the mission is to look for jobs and to send in my resume.
• If I smoke, I only do so after accomplishing a small task. Delaying the act of smoking demonstrates that I am choosing to be active rather than passive. Smoking is passive in a sense; if you don't do anything, you will smoke. That is the insidious danger of smoking--it has a life of its own. All behaviors attached to smoking become automatic rituals. They act at the subconscious level and can circumvent conscious thought. In a positive spiral, there is awareness (some call it mindfulness). I am in conscious control of my actions and am not a slave to my compulsions.

The toughest aspect of the negative spiral is the guilt and shame that it inevitably produces. The longer a negative spiral is allowed to go on, the harder it is to halt its momentum and shift into a positive spiral. The good news is that it is always possible to break out of a negative spiral. And the longer you can stay in a positive spiral, the more positive habits you'll have ingrained into your being that will help you to get back on track. These positive habits need constant nourishment and practice. A negative spiral will quickly act to destroy these habits by not only removing the constant reinforcement that supports positive activity, but also by actively breaking down the "good" connections you've made in your nervous system and replacing them with chaotic, purposeless connections.

Breaking out of a negative spiral is a field of study in and of itself. You don't have to be depressed or addicted to some behavior to reap the benefits of training yourself to initiate and maintain a positive spiral. In fact, this blog is dedicated to the art and science of the positive spiral. Hmmm. That's catchy. I call dibs on any trademarks! But seriously, I want to be open and honest about my negative behaviors because it helps me to understand and accept myself. Without understanding, acceptance, and compassion for myself in my weakest of states, I cannot continue to recover from the black dog of depression.