Pre-Remission Journal: SSRIs Make Me Feel Worse

Friday, October 30, 2009
3:25am
 
I remember being in love with things, the earth, God's creatures when I was young. Nothing inspired me more than learning about animals, nature, and technology. If something was awesome in some way, I was attracted to it. I miss that sheer wonder and respect for nature and things thoughtfully designed and created. There is only a hint of that left right now, but one by one it seems like my interest in things is fading fast. I don't think this is normal anymore. At first I thought it was more of an Ecclesiastes-inspired letting go of childish things, and perhaps it was to some degree, but it has become something more, something subtle but sinister, sucking the joy out of life.


*note* Switched to fluoxetine 20mg, but by the third week experienced multiple bouts of diarrhea for several days until discontinuing fluoxetine (Sat, Nov 21). I wasn't feeling too hot until then either. I had no appetite and felt even more anxious about going out in public. I felt like there was a heavy weight pressing down on my chest.


After telling the doc that I could not tolerate fluoxetine, he switched me to 15mg Remeron/mirtazapine. He seemed pretty confident that it would make me feel better. Confident enough that instead of scheduling the usual 2 week follow-up, he prescribed 5 weeks! I thought that was odd, and asked if he was on holiday (we wouldn't meet again until the end of December. He said he was. I asked what I should do if there was a problem. He sort of shrugged off my concern and mumbled that I could call in and meet with one of his colleagues.

Pre-Remission Journal: Starting Medication - SSRIs

When I started medication to treat my depression and anxiety, I started a journal in order to keep track of what medications I was taking and whether or not they seemed to be working. I wanted to be as systematic as I could, which was limited to what I could handle at the time, but I still felt that it might help me if I had to switch medications. Looking back on my journal, I see that I can still learn from it by finding healthy patterns and identifying bad combination of medications and herbs. I won't edit the entries too much. My writing patterns may also indicate what state of mind I was in when I wrote a particular entry.


Monday, October 26, 2009
1:08am

It's been about 6 days since upping the dose of Faverin (fluvoxamine, an early SSRI) to 50mg/day. I've been in a stupor since then, but having trouble sleeping as well. Average bedtime: 3-4am, waking up around noon or later. This sucks. I still feel completely apathetic towards everything and the only thing that makes it better is that I've stopped pressuring myself over finding a job for the time being. My appetite is non-existent and I feel I have no coordination or strength in my body.

I have a sloshy, bloated stomach from too much spicy food at B's sister's (not really sister) house. I have no idea how they can eat like that (more likely twice as hot) every day. I popped 8 Strong Wakamoto and will hope for the best. I started developing the strange rash on my left arm this time. I applied 1% hydrocortisone. It should be gone in the morning, but why did it occur in the first place? Milk? Greasy food? Who knows anymore what the hell is going on.

Notes:
Insomnia has been a problem since I was 15 years old. When I first entered treatment, I would have to read or surf the web until I was completely exhausted. I have always had trouble getting up early as a result.

These days I can fall asleep by 10:30 - 11:30pm and wake up as early as 6:30 - 7:30am.

The bloated stomach is a symptom of Spleen deficiency in Chinese medicine. This is probably a symptom I've had for a long time, but never really addressed. I am currently taking herbs to tonify the Spleen and rarely experience bloating or indigestion. As a result of good digestion and absorption of nutrients, I have a lot more energy. Spleen deficiency can also cause obsessive thinking and worrying. It sounds weird, but in a sense obsessive worrying is like never feeling satisfied. You feel like you need more and more...never getting enough. In this sense, treating Spleen deficiency can lead to more calmness and lessening of these symptoms.

I guess I've really come a long way just in terms of my sleep schedule. The ability to get enough quality sleep is not to be underestimated. Chronic sleep deprivation can bring on depression, while problems sleeping through the night are a common symptom of depression. It's a negative spiral that can lead to a daily cycle of dreading both sleep and daytime activities.